Fiona | 
04 11th, 2009| 
I signed up and started using twitter just over 2 years ago. My first tweet was that I was procrastinating. Perhaps not a lot has changed! But over these two years I have met some very very funny people who have said some hilarious and often profound things. Just thought I’d share some of my favourites. Not all of my favourites have been included, some for, er, reasons of public decency and some because they are there to remind me of links and the like. Some of these need to be read in context too (particularly the Olympic themed ones!) But sit back and enjoy- there are some very very funny people out there!
neuraxon77I don’t not believe in God, I believe in paradox. *wipes hands* That should cover (confuse) everyone…
carloscomputers@SaschaV Yeah no #zombies up here but we do have to watch out for Velociraptors. They tend to lurk in the long grass and cane fields.
bengrubb“Study’s show that watching Today Tonight reduces the risk of colon cancer and hepatitis c, but increases the risk of mass suicide.”
whitsundaysNow that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
stephenconroyMy computer is asking if I’d like to help make Windows better. It’s nice to have one’s talents recognized.
injokeI feel like I should be calling the police (whispers) “Hello? … I’m being followed… by 314 people… help mmee.”
sammyjopetersI love reading my twitter stream, because even though it may not be true, I feel like I have heaps of friends. 
mister_darcy@fifikins Hello, fine lady. You have befriending my good self. As a gentleman I give equal time to all comely ladies of marriagable age.
ASIOAgent @Fifikins’s identity compromised. Assumed captured. Contacting @MarthaStewart in order to commence negiotiations.
LilylaurenDwarf fortune teller escaped from jail; the headlines read: “Small medium at large” (via @moose73)
NickHodgewashington can haz a brazillian. no moar bush
thomasrdotorgJust working out what goes best with a G+T. Discovered this: another G+T goes best. Eureka!!
artywah@deswalsh calling the telegraph a NEWS paper is going a bit OTT. It’s certainly paper, but news?
fulltimecasualA can of deodorant exploded in my luggage. My clothes smell like a greek nightclub. 
griffmiester@Fifikins tattoo. Is it going to be of a short man in a white suite yelling out “Da Plane, Da Plane!” 
SylviaDiscountAre you ever using twitter and you suddenly think, “Who are you kidding? No-one gives a f**k what you think”? Just me?
craigspryIf I wan an alien and all I had just jacked into the webz I would think that cats speak a strange version of english and humans eat bacon
lu_luThe carpet cleaning guy came early. Typical male.
craigspryNow that is just the limit, not only does Senator Conroy want to filter my web, he is also a Collingwood supporter
maxcelcatDecember??? How the fuck did it get to be December already??? I wasn’t done with Janurary!
johnlaceyasks himself in moments of quiet desperation: What would @Fifikins do?
Lilylaurenmorning Twitter am currently busier than the kids section in crown casino carpark in a Saturday night. Grr
WarlachDo Telegraph journalists have to try to be awful or do they only hire people whose parents were siblings?
LisaMareecant understand why the Professor in Gilligans Island could make a phone out of a coconut, but couldnt fix a hole in a boat. =/
andrewsayerAmericans will go to bed tonight not knowing who’s running the country. Meh. We’ve gone to bed every night for the last year not knowing.
TerrorBiteParticle physics gives me a hadron.
firstdogonmoonMiley Ray Cyrus to Carlton for pick twelve and box of paper clips
yonderboyyou know that part of your brain that tells you that you shouldn’t say and do certain things? we had a falling out. i’ve fired it..
docbatyJust a word of warning for you US folks: if the world ends up with Sarah Palin as President I’m never speaking to any of you again.
LisaMareeis thinking she made a poor choice of top to wear today. Looks like a circus tent. Now expecting a couple of midget clowns to tumble out.
loudmouthmanThe Queen will be marking the 50th Annivesary of Blue Peter. They dont expect much organising since they have one they prepared earlier.
tdm911My McDonalds tall latte is rainforest approved. It’s comforting to know a rainforest approves of my coffee.
Alegryarocking an orange safety vest, bet you all wish you looked this good ; )
andrewsayerOh well. Another 4 more years of training until the next Torrimpics
andrewsayerJust came 2nd in the men’s 200mb download. The other guy won by 0.04kb
ThommoMy supply of ‘giving a fuck’ is running dangerously low.
yonderboy@praxxis i make my own RAM out of potato peelings, foil and whiteout..
_pants_If you’re watching 7, welcome to ‘Useless Incidental Facts Hour with Bruce and Sandy’ #080808
Calypso@fifikins- it’s like an old-fashioned march-past. if it’s good enough for Lakeside Netball Association, it’s good enough for the olympics.
tribSarah Brightman, last spotted referred to as “mutton dressed as slut” » link to Think of Fug, Think of Fug Fondly #080808
thomasrdotorg#080808 I predict couldron will be lit Barcelona style but using a trebuchet instead of a bow, and flaming dissedents instead of an arrow
ExtremoSome people are that dense that if breathing wasn’t such an involuntary action, i’d be concerned for their wellbeing… Seriously…
SpigrrlOH on ROVE last night: World Youth Day, the biggest gathering of virgins since the line up for the new iphone. mwahahaha!
MediamumJust finished editing boring financial newsletter. Only a financier would give Balance Sheet cap letters. How on earth do they get laid?
andrewbarnett@coliwilso necrophilia is dead boring…
ExtremoSo much bother for a freaking fruit store opening… WTF?!?!?!
AshleyAngellSomeone needs to hit Twitter with a defibrilator.
WarlachI’m off to lunch to clear my head. Never argue with an idiot, they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
loudmouthmanIf I had a lover that went down as often as twitter I dont think id ever get online !
stilgherrian@mpesce In last 36hr Twitter dominated by #eurovision and @MarsPhoenix. The two must be combined! JPL geeks in sequins & feathers r0×0rs!
andrewbarnetttwitter is my morning writing exercise. the trick, which I’ve yet to master, being then to stop tweeting and start work.
andrewbarnett@andrewdotnich a chick walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. so he gave her one.
fulltimecasualWednesday Afternoon. That beautiful moment when you realise next weekend is closer than last weekend. My heart hasnt been in it this week…
facibusWARNING: TOTALLY UN-PC COMMENT FOLLOWS! Re the Carson thing: A straight guy would know that she just needed to turn up naked to look hot.
andrewsayer“In a perfect world,spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with men who have enlarged their penises and taken Viagra.”
thetappingmanSwans vs Kangaroos a draw. Kind of like sex without the orgasm
twila_zonedDamn…. if I could just Carpe Diem like I Carpe Noctem, life would be so sweet…
notaphysicistFracking academic writing is about as enjoyable to read as the newspaper during an election..
agronaughtGeorge bush, when 6 degrees of seperation isnt enough!
WillHughesFreud is in my mobile, I think. I try to enter mum’s name, and it gives me “Stab” wtf?
fulltimecasualDroppin’ Tweets like Galileo dropped the orange…
MediamumOMG found helpful person at Telstra. OMG. She probably won’t last long there
NickHodgewoW! 990,122 until I hit a million tweets!
DanaceaScoping down: SAHM duty calls and the washing up is leering at me in a discomforting fashion. *Sigh* I so need a wife.
jacquimcgirra little sad that Dame Edna missed out on being Australia’s next Governor-General, but happy with Quentin Bryce nonetheless
slick_senecaI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They`ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. by Rita Rudner
nazgulI need some caffeinated wine.
MediamumEvery time I wake up to new followers I feel like Paul McCartney and how he makes money while he sleeps
WarWraithHeh. @Adium got nominated for an award by about.com; that’s like getting nominated for Nobel by Paris Hilton
KittaHad an epic fail when I tried explaining Twitter to my friends Dad. He said, “is it one of those late night sex chat things?”
neuraxon77RSS: The Never Ending Story.
Magnetoboldtoo9.45pm and the tiny terrorist is ASLEEP! Adieu my lovelies, I gotz me hot date with the backs of my eyelids.
ExtremoOh yea, looks like I’ve caught the ‘crazies’ tram back into the city… They make me feel conservative…
SilkCharmI can’t believe Beyonce got married. It seems like only yesterday she was running around as a half nekkid underage child star.
karenmarreeif there was an olympic event for procrastination i would win if i could get the entry forms done in time
chucknorris_Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
BZBMartha Stewart just sent me tips on how to spring-clean my house. As if my Mother-in-law doesn’t pressure me enough…!!
WarWraithIt would be a lot easier to buy fuel if it came with foreplay and lube
mspechtawake again, this seems to be a habit
jacklhasabeautiful. webcam works. headset works. god forbid they both work at the same f’n time.
facibusDear neighbour: how far do you think a shellshocked geek could shove that noisy leaf blower up your backside? Shall we find out?
bckI win at alcohol, but not at sober.
andrewbarnetttrying to shift the brain onto work matters. but it’s telling me it doesn’t care that a dodgy update process is creating duplicate data.
justrichlast night I dreamed I was the new yellow wiggle. I’m not sure what to make of that…
bethaniebiggest spider i’ve ever seen in our bathroom. it could have its own postcode
ThommoShort day, let me introduce you to long weekend. I think the two of you are going to get along just fine.
LisaMareePlanning a ‘beers of the world night’ w/ Michael. Its like a contiki tour for the liver
brentoeThere is a girl singing outside my window. “all by myyyself…” No wonder with a voice like that. If I had a brick, I would throw it at her.
SilkCharmis taking sexy back for a refund. It didn’t really suit her.
talios“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to walk in the rain.”
LisaMareeis getting heaps done! Wahey! 
Now tomorrow’s task is to get just as much done, but to stuff that relates to my work
andrewsayerGirls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken. But I can stil get one from a strange country, right? Right?
MediamumI have a hot date tonight. Ironing in front of the tv. Thinking about the vodka that will help it all along nicely.
griffmiesterI’m just waiting for the report “Mohamed Al-Fayed claims British Royal Family had Heath Ledger Killed”
ThommoWhen the shit hits the fan, @Thommo starts tweeting in the third person.
dekrazee1Found two cockroaches floating in a bucket. Was it a suicide pact, or a homicide disguised as one?
andrewbarnettThe coffee tastes oddly metallic – I hope I’m not pregnant. That would be awkward.
NickHodgethis govt has more ministers than the anglican church
andrewbarnetta colleague once tried musk lollies for first time, described it as tasting like going down on the girl who works at the perfume counter.
WarlachDealing with NSW Govt departments is like having tantric sex with an egomaniac: It takes forever, you feel dirty and are never satisfied.
I have many more that are gold starred, but they are from people with private timelines and are therefore not in the public domain, so I have not included them here. But waves to jackienopants, maab, pixel8ted and leslie_nassar! And also coliwilso who I cannot believe I have not favourited any of his tweets! Actually there are lots more tweets I probably should have favourited and I can also probably name a dozen or more other tweeters who crack me up- you kno who you are, or at least I’ll let you think it is you So which tweets do you have favourited?
