You know those blog posts that you want to write and know you have so much to say and then for a few days you just mull and try and work out what to say… well this is one of them.

I don’t really watch tv news any more. I listen to Triple J radio more often than not which has 3 minute news bulletins, but otherwise I gain most of my news online.

I have never been a fan of News Limited publications, however I have found that news.com.au (not even going to hyperlink it!) has a good iPhone layout in safari. So most days I flick through some news. I have it set up to show top stories, breaking news, most popular news, Queensland news, technology top stories, IT top stories, sport top stories and afl. Usually I just skim over the headlines and if there is something there I am really interested in I might read it.

I suspect that only reading News Limited headlines gives a false view of reality too, but really, I couldn’t give a damn about Hugh Heffner’s divorce, or the lotto number predictor who is going to reveal secrets.

But on Tuesday there was an article that I read. It was an opinion piece. Perhaps because it was on a news site, it struck home more than it might have on a blog. Yet that is the wrong attitude to have, I know. I suspect if it had been on a blog, I would have just either ignored it, perhaps commented and then moved on.

But this article has stayed with me for 2 days now.

When I first read it I was angry. Saying that most women over size 14 are unhealthy is a bit of a gross generalisation. I thought of a former colleague. She has 4 children, goes to the gym at least 5 times per week (usually for a couple of hours) and is super skinny. Yet I know her breakfast consists of coffee, morning tea is more coffee, lunch is often an apple (with a cup of coffee), perhaps a bag of chips for afternoon tea and a cup of coffee and she eats the kids scraps off their plates for dinner. Hardly healthy.

Apparently there is some douchebag radio announcer in Sydney that people actually listen to. He hooks 14 year old girls up to lie detectors to interogate them about their sexual experiences and stuff… This week he said that Magda Szubanski needed to lose more weight and would do so in a concentration camp. Again the idea that a woman who has lost a quarter of her body weight and dropped 6 dress sizes is unhealthy because she is still a size 14.

But back to the article. A lot of what Susie O’Brien has to say makes sense. Perhaps this is why it angered me so much. Yes, it is extremely difficult to find nice clothes to wear as a size 18/20. However I do believe that if there was no clothing to fit those of us this size, people would complain at the nudity.

Yet the opposite is also true. Why do clothing manufacturers keep making minus size clothes? Wouldn’t it be better for these super skinny grossly underweight people to just wear sacks that hid their boney sinewy bodies?

But let’s get back to what is healthy. You know those BMI charts? The ones put out by the World Health Organisation? These are the ones used by almost everyone to say how morbidly obese you are. Well…

Belgian polymath Adolphe Quetelet devised the equation in 1832 in his quest to define the “normal man” in terms of everything from his average arm strength to the age at which he marries. This project had nothing to do with obesity-related diseases, nor even with obesity itself. Rather, Quetelet used the equation to describe the standard proportions of the human build—the ratio of weight to height in the average adult. Using data collected from several hundred countrymen, he found that weight varied not in direct proportion to height (such that, say, people 10 percent taller than average were 10 percent heavier, too) but in proportion to the square of height. (People 10 percent taller than average tended to be about 21 percent heavier.) [see more here!]

You see, some of us who need to wear big clothes are relatively healthy. I have low cholesterol, normal to low blood pressure and exercise 3-4 times per week. And I shouldn’t have to try and justify myself here. I could go round and round in circles. We shouldn’t worry about how we look, yet we do. I want to wear clothes that suit my figure. I want to look nice. I want to be attractive. Inside I have both attractive and ugly traits. I am trying to identify them. I don’t need people who have never had a weight issue (having 3 kids and having to buy a gym membership- yikes, how awful!) understand. Just as I don’t really understand how hard it is to quit smoking.

I went to the races last weekend. My photo was taken for the local paper and published on their website. Yet another News Limited publication… I felt beautiful and in some eyes I was. I bought a cheap dress on eBay and paid more to have my hair done than I spent on my dress and shoes combined!

This is me:

Curves and all. Trying to be healthy and not needing to be judged by others, let alone myself.

Remember a bit over 12 months ago… Yeah, I know, I was more prolific then. And wittier. And funnier. And… no wait, was I? Now I am confused. Anyway, I took part in the Bloggest Loser Challenge. And hey, I didn’t do too badly. Well I lost a few kilos.

Then this year my weight has steadily crept up. If I am being honest, if I had lost as much weight as I have found since January I would be a happy camper indeed and would have reached a few of my mini goals.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been going hard at it at the gym. 3-4 times a week I visit doing at least an hour of weights with MIML™ on a Tuesday, half an hour of weights/circuit on a Thursday, an hour of boxing with MIML™ on Friday and an hour and a half class of circuit/boxing on Saturday.

In Hong Kong I invested in a Polar Heart Rate Monitor and have been using this at the gym all the time. And it would tell you that most weeks I burn over 2000 calories.

And my body has changed. Even through the fat I can see muscles and I can definitely feel them! My stamina is increasing. And I enjoy the exercise.

But my eating is another story. I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday when I had a mental look back through what I had eaten- KFC, creamy laksa, Neenish Tarts, chocolate, chips, pie, cake and I could go on.

My anxiety levels on Saturday were so high that I was even scared to eat. I knew I wanted to eat (I was hungry) but didn’t know what to eat. Part of me wanted the comfort of the fat sliding down my throat, yet another part of me realised that the scales (and to a lesser extent my clothing) were saying that enough was enough.

Then I had another panic attack at the gym and couldn’t do the boxing class. I couldn’t face it. Part of it was extreme tiredness. Part of it was a sugar thing (I hadn’t eaten) and I just felt like crap. MIML™ came straight over after gym and we chatted. And he listened. And he didn’t judge. And he offered the most practical advice and helped me find solutions.

And we went and grabbed a smoked salmon and salad bagel and went out to have a steak for dinner (mine with baked spud!) and I even skipped dessert- well I did have a spoon and tried MIML™s Toblerone gelato!

And yesterday I made an omelette for breakfast with spinach and fetta in it. And I went to the market with MIML™ and didn’t have a samosa. Or any cake. Or a pork bun. Or anything else except for a coffee. And lunch and dinner were sensible choices. And last night I made up a large tub of bircher muesli and cut up a large bowl of fruit salad.

And this morning I got up earlier and had breakfast. And had a cup of tea. And didn’t rush. So I organised a massage for this evening which was the most sublime torture I have had in a long time! But a heap of the tension and tightness in my muscles has dissipated.

And I have looked at food as comfort. I actually started a blog post on the subject a few weeks ago and it is sitting in my drafts box. The kids had had a rough afternoon on the bus so I made a banana custard for dessert. And I never make dessert unless we have visitors. But they needed comfort. And I equated comfort with food and thus perpetuated this to another generation. Well kind of. Except I have discovered that I am doing this.

I helped out at a breastfeeding education class a few weeks back. One of the things we look at in the class is the role of dads in breastfeeding. A lot of women report they feel pressure to give their baby artificial food because it means that Dad can feed the baby. One of the messages was that we have to remember that comfort can be given in many more ways than with food.

And now I am rambling! But I am trying to get my eating back on track. I did not enjoy the way I felt on Saturday afternoon. I know that part of anxiety disorder means that panic attacks will happen and I will have anxious periods, but I need to also recognise that I can do my bit to help alleviate the frequency of these events. I can exercise and I can eat properly and I can practice CBT.

And I can take part in the latest Bloggest Loser challenge. I am not setting out to win the competition or to even weigh myself each week, but I am changing the way I eat and attempting to change my lifestyle.

OK! Maybe I don’t have many, but…

Even though I have been told I can be quick with comebacks and responses, even I have times where I just want to run away and hide and have a little cry.

For lunch today I decided to stop at the major shopping centre and go into the food court. There I grabbed a multigrain sandwich with Moroccan Chicken, avocado and salad. As I was walking out the doors on my way to the car, with the said sandwich in my hand, a group of teenage boys started giggling and one pointed at me and said “Look at the arse on that one would you!” To which is mate replied “Shit, you couldn’t even fuck it could you, not even with a blindfold.”

These were boys talking about me. I was shocked. I was disgusted. I really just wanted to cry. I don’t know if it is because I have had a couple of ordinary weeks at Weight Watchers (I did mention I have joined again, didn’t I?) or becuase of hormones or what, but I couldn’t even bring myself to turn around to them and confront them.

I got in my car, turned on the air con and just felt immense sadness. There was anger, yes, but there was also pity for these stupid kids. I suspect at other times I would have confronted them and asked them to repeat it to my face. Or told them that at least I could diet, they would be ugly for ever. Or something.

But no, I didn’t. I let them get to me. I mean, these were kids. They have received the message that women are pieces of meat with bodies to be ogled at. Whether this is from home, or the ‘media’ or socieity or whatever. It is wrong.

For what it’s worth, I am currently a size 16-18. The average Australian woman is a size 14. I am at the gym 2-3 times per week. I am eating healthily. I don’t smoke and, contrary to popular belief, I don’t drink that much! I stay out of the sun as much as possible. I have regular pap smears and blood tests for cholesterol (which has always been low) and dieabetes. My resting heart rate is in the low 70s and I aim to get it below 60.

And I shouldn’t even feel the need to justify any of this. It is a myth that big is beautiful and in perpetuating this myth we are really saying that there are some people who might assume that big is not beautiful. Everyone has the ability to be beautiful, big or small. Big is big and body shape has little to do with beauty.

I would have thought that the way I act, or the things I say have more to do with my beauty than my fat arse.

Commenting on a woman’s appearance is so not beautiful and so uncool. So if you are a teenage boy who has stumbled here, try not to judge a book by its cover. There are thousands of platitudes about beauty, you know the skin deep, eye of the beholder type things. Beauty is what you make of what you have.

And to my kids- if I ever, ever hear you say something like what was said to me today to any other person, then there will be severe consequences!

Yesterday was the dreaded Athletics Carnival for year 3-7 kids at Imogen’s school. When Imogen was a toddler she had quite severe asthma that necessitated several stays in hospital. When we moved up here her asthma basically disappeared. Until this year. I have been told by health professionals and parents of other asthmatic kids that this year has been particularly bad for asthmatics.

Now Immy’s asthma has usually be brought on by colds. We knew that if she had a cold it would lead to wheezing and we would see the tracheal tug and cart her off to hospital and if her oxygen saturation level was below 95% she would be admitted. The thing that triggered her asthma a few months ago appeared to be exercise however. Strangely enough, it does not seem to be triggered by dancing or swimming, but by running.

I believe in physical activity for kids and I believe in the HPE syllabus set out by the Queensland Studies Authority. The kids have one PE lesson a week and one swimming lesson a week. Their classroom teachers are encouraged to look at health and both the kids have been exposed to this side of the curriculum in the classroom.

But back to athletics!

Now it may have been a few years since I actually did any curriculum studies at uni, but I still know where to source the syllabus documents. From the Queensland Health and Physical Education syllabus I quote:

Key learning area outcomes
The key learning area outcomes highlight the uniqueness of the Health and
Physical Education key learning area and its particular contribution to lifelong
learning. During the compulsory years of schooling in the Health and Physical
Education key learning area, students develop the knowledge, processes, skills
and attitudes necessary to:
• select and use information and apply problem-solving and decision-making
strategies to:
–make informed decisions about health, physical activity and personal
development;
–evaluate their own actions and the actions of others;
• develop a strong commitment to promoting equity, acknowledging diversity
and establishing supportive environments with respect to health, physical
activity and personal development;
• reflect on and evaluate the influence of biological, social, cultural and
environmental factors on:
–their own and others’ health and personal development;
–their own and others’ attitudes towards, and participation in, physical
activity;
• promote the health of themselves, others and their communities;
• accept their responsibility as an individual member of a group or
community to create and maintain environments supportive of optimum
health;
• develop and refine motor skills necessary for participation in physical activity,
and acquire and apply movement concepts to enhance performance;
• develop positive attitudes towards participation in regular physical activity
and an appreciation of the benefits of physical activity and of the aesthetic
and technical qualities of movement;
• enhance their own and others’ self-concept and self-esteem, and develop the
skills for creating and maintaining positive interactions and relationships.

Now the syllabus is broken into three strands:

1. Promoting the Health of Individuals and Communities
2. Developing Concepts and Skills for Physical Activity
3. Enhancing Personal Development

Now I have looked through these outcomes and nowhere does it say ‘Students will be able to compete against each other in races of 80, 100, 200, 400 and 800m and shotput, long jump and high jump.’

A few weeks ago I had tears from a certain 10yo girl who did not want to run in any of the races. She said it made her wheeze and she was sure she was going to come last anyway. Basically she didn’t want to embarrass herself. I said I would try and speak to the PE teacher. Time slipped away and the note came home in the diary from her teacher last week basically asking if Imogen was fit enough to be running at the Athletics Carnival. I took the oportunity to say of course not, but she could still do the Shotput which she had apparently qualified for.

So we get to the day. We have kids in running skins, we have kids in tears who don’t want to run. We have the 4 housegroups with kids from both campuses chearing louder and louder for their houses. But did this day relate to any of the outcomes listed above, let alone the assessable ones listed under the strands? Not really. If anything it went against some of them- it did not provide a supporting environment for many kids and at the end of the day all it did was glorify bodies. Of course if they had just stood up in assembly comparing leg lengths and muscle sizes and weights there would have been an outcry, but because there was competition it was ok.

These kids had spent an entire term of PE lessons training for the Athletics Day. You could see in the 800m events the kids who sprinted to the front and tired at the end, or the good athletes who stayed back, but still left their run too late. I could not see any point to the day. A lot of the kids who won do Little Athletics outside of school. Cathy Freeman did not win Gold in Sydney by an hour of PE lessons a week! Likewise they do not expect the kids in the orchestra or choir at school to perform at concerts and assemblies and the like by the hour of arts lessons they get each week.

It is time schools woke up to the waste of time that is placed on Athletics and Swimming carnivals and actually looked at the PE syllabus and created ways that kids could have fun with physical activity and promote healthy living and give the kids skills to maintain this healthy living throughout their lives.

I think Immy summed it up rather well when she asked me what job would require her to run 100m really quickly. We decided that if she was a bomb disposal expert who cut the wrong wire she would have to run fast, but really! C’mon schools! Let’s entrench healthy habits in our kids. 15-25% of kids would have received a ribbon or medal yesterday. For a lot of the rest it left bad memories that they will remember for the rest of their lives and could very well lead to bad attitudes to physical fitness and wellbeing.

Here endeth the lesson!

At times, despite my bravado, I can be a pretty insecure person. I am actually pretty easily intimidated and have massive self doubts.

I actually have another anonymous or private blog. My friends know it is me, but, I hope, there is no identifying information there. Part of the reason is that my tumultuous private life over the last few years could incriminate certain people. There are many truths or versions thereof and whilst I know mine is right, others disagree!

Having an anonymous blog also lets me explore more private issues and hide in many ways from scrutiny. One of my biggest demons though is body image. I do think that until I can come out and confront the issues then hiding is not the answer.

I was looking at the search engine keywords that have directed people to this site and the predominant one is 4321 detox or derivatives thereof, which I previously posted about. Actually ‘weird valentines’ or similar comes pretty close too. The weirdest is ‘christian anyone valentine sms’ which really makes wonder if they found what they were looking for!

But the detox seems popular! I survived it. 10 days without gin, coffee or diet coke. 10 days without chocolate or lollies! Since then I have carried on my  healthier habits. In 4 weeks I am down 4.5kg. Yes my pants are loser, and colleagues have commented, but I don’t feel any different. I still see my extremely ugly tuck shop arms and my thunder thighs and my multiple chins. Do I feel healthier? Not necessarily. I am drinking less some of the time, I have only 1 coffee a day and the occasional diet coke.

4kg is a good start. I do wonder if I should throw away the scales altogether though. They are but numbers. It doesn’t matter how much I weigh, unless I am trying to calculate my BMI, which I should just leave to my GP and use his Viagra advertising scales (I do love his sense of humour!) and let him tell me how healthy I am. My blood pressure is fine and my cholesterol is very low.

When I was doing my final teaching prac a few years ago, I was assessed by one of my favourite lecturers. She is a pedagogy expert and absolutely into reflection! We spent a semester in third year writing reflections and I did quite well! Then she saw me teach and her comment was ‘OMG Fi, I have never seen anyone reflect so much during a lesson, chill a little!’ So I suppose that is the aim! I need to chill a little and not focus on reflecting all the time!

God I hope I don’t sound too neurotic here! Normal programming will resume momentarily