I am not one to make resolutions. In the past I have made plans and then they have gone to pot and I have ended up being a bit of a last minute kinda gal. Yes I will have tentative plans, but I will wait and see what is going to happen and sometimes hope for the best.

I think 2010 is a little different. For the last week or so I have been reflecting on what has changed in my life and my outlook. I have been examining my philosophies on food and body image. I have been trying to work out what has actually changed, how it has changed and why it has changed. And I have drawn some blanks along the way too!

I have seen how my philosophy of body and the related philosophies of food and movement have changed in dramatic ways. It is not everything in moderation, nor don’t eat this, nor only eat that. It is more a what effect will putting this in my body have and what will my body have to say about it. I suppose taking note of my body and its signals and not creating binaries when it comes to food (good or bad etc) has helped.

So tonight we had slow cooked roast pork with potato gratin, braised cabbage and onion, cider and mustard gravy. And it was delicious! I had smaller portions than I might have had in the past. I have plenty of meat left over and I plan to use it in sandwiches and salads this week. I enjoyed it immensely. I enjoyed the cooking of it and the taste of it all. The old me would have said ‘Shit, think about all those calories and let’s have another scoop of potatoes!’ The new me enjoyed the amount I had and I feel I practised restraint.

Another of my old thinkings was ‘everyday v special’ foods. Putting certain foods on a pedestal and thinking you have to deserve them is not helpful either! It also creates an idea of food being a reward- if it’s someone’s birthday then have a slice of cake because it isn’t their birthday every day. Now I think about whether I want a slice of cake and why I want a slice of cake.

But it is not all if you want it, have it either! I think part of it is I examine why I want it. I had a shocked of a day last Monday. One thing after another. At 5pm when I was heading home I contemplated going through a drive through, or calling at the shops to get a block of chocolate and then I thought about my feelings. I was feeling angry. I was feeling helpless. I was feeling tired. I was feeling let down. I wasn’t feeling hungry. I ended up going to the gym.

So no resolutions as such, but perhaps some short term goals. Apart from listening to my body more, I am trying to be more active. I, like so many others it seems, have jumped on the C25K bandwagon. I have finished week one and although I have always said I hated running, I found it not too bad, perhaps even enjoyable! I know I will complete the programme, however I also know it might take longer than the 9 weeks, especially as I am having wrist surgery in a few weeks. (But that is for another post!)

I am also trying to lead a less cluttered lifestyle. I am finding this is more than a less cluttered environment, but again more a philosophy. I have always been busy, but I suspect a lot of my business has been procrastination. So actually achieving things and measuring these achievements has been helping.

The house is getting a lot less cluttered too. I have had a major spring/summer/wet season clean! I feel comfortable having people over- even calling in unexpectedly. Today it was my wardrobe’s turn! 5 large glad bags of clothes I either don’t wear or can’t wear. Clothes that are too big and too small. Clothes that I haven’t worn in a while. Clothes that even if/when my body shape changes I won’t want to wear as they have been hanging there for so long! 3 dresses I bought on eBay and have never worn. The dress I wore 8.5 months pregnant to my ex-sister-in-law’s wedding. And finally the large box of baby clothes.

I remember wishing my mother had held onto some of my favourite baby clothes and I always thought I would do that. But it is just clutter. So the box of smocked dresses and rompers, the overalls Immy wore when she took her first steps, the bright jumper Jasper loved- all gone! They are just items– transient objects that take up space. Items other people might be able to use.

It was the kitchen cupboard’s turn last week. I rearranged them and threw out the plastic containers without lids, got rid of glasses I never use. Put the good dinner set in a top cupboard and will even think about using it more. Got rid of all the cockroach shit!

All changes. Patterns of behaviour that are different to this time last year. Patterns that are ever evolving and changing. Patterns that are helping me. Patterns that are helping those around me. By changing my behaviours I see impacts in others- a ripple effect. Interesting that!

You know those blog posts that you want to write and know you have so much to say and then for a few days you just mull and try and work out what to say… well this is one of them.

I don’t really watch tv news any more. I listen to Triple J radio more often than not which has 3 minute news bulletins, but otherwise I gain most of my news online.

I have never been a fan of News Limited publications, however I have found that news.com.au (not even going to hyperlink it!) has a good iPhone layout in safari. So most days I flick through some news. I have it set up to show top stories, breaking news, most popular news, Queensland news, technology top stories, IT top stories, sport top stories and afl. Usually I just skim over the headlines and if there is something there I am really interested in I might read it.

I suspect that only reading News Limited headlines gives a false view of reality too, but really, I couldn’t give a damn about Hugh Heffner’s divorce, or the lotto number predictor who is going to reveal secrets.

But on Tuesday there was an article that I read. It was an opinion piece. Perhaps because it was on a news site, it struck home more than it might have on a blog. Yet that is the wrong attitude to have, I know. I suspect if it had been on a blog, I would have just either ignored it, perhaps commented and then moved on.

But this article has stayed with me for 2 days now.

When I first read it I was angry. Saying that most women over size 14 are unhealthy is a bit of a gross generalisation. I thought of a former colleague. She has 4 children, goes to the gym at least 5 times per week (usually for a couple of hours) and is super skinny. Yet I know her breakfast consists of coffee, morning tea is more coffee, lunch is often an apple (with a cup of coffee), perhaps a bag of chips for afternoon tea and a cup of coffee and she eats the kids scraps off their plates for dinner. Hardly healthy.

Apparently there is some douchebag radio announcer in Sydney that people actually listen to. He hooks 14 year old girls up to lie detectors to interogate them about their sexual experiences and stuff… This week he said that Magda Szubanski needed to lose more weight and would do so in a concentration camp. Again the idea that a woman who has lost a quarter of her body weight and dropped 6 dress sizes is unhealthy because she is still a size 14.

But back to the article. A lot of what Susie O’Brien has to say makes sense. Perhaps this is why it angered me so much. Yes, it is extremely difficult to find nice clothes to wear as a size 18/20. However I do believe that if there was no clothing to fit those of us this size, people would complain at the nudity.

Yet the opposite is also true. Why do clothing manufacturers keep making minus size clothes? Wouldn’t it be better for these super skinny grossly underweight people to just wear sacks that hid their boney sinewy bodies?

But let’s get back to what is healthy. You know those BMI charts? The ones put out by the World Health Organisation? These are the ones used by almost everyone to say how morbidly obese you are. Well…

Belgian polymath Adolphe Quetelet devised the equation in 1832 in his quest to define the “normal man” in terms of everything from his average arm strength to the age at which he marries. This project had nothing to do with obesity-related diseases, nor even with obesity itself. Rather, Quetelet used the equation to describe the standard proportions of the human build—the ratio of weight to height in the average adult. Using data collected from several hundred countrymen, he found that weight varied not in direct proportion to height (such that, say, people 10 percent taller than average were 10 percent heavier, too) but in proportion to the square of height. (People 10 percent taller than average tended to be about 21 percent heavier.) [see more here!]

You see, some of us who need to wear big clothes are relatively healthy. I have low cholesterol, normal to low blood pressure and exercise 3-4 times per week. And I shouldn’t have to try and justify myself here. I could go round and round in circles. We shouldn’t worry about how we look, yet we do. I want to wear clothes that suit my figure. I want to look nice. I want to be attractive. Inside I have both attractive and ugly traits. I am trying to identify them. I don’t need people who have never had a weight issue (having 3 kids and having to buy a gym membership- yikes, how awful!) understand. Just as I don’t really understand how hard it is to quit smoking.

I went to the races last weekend. My photo was taken for the local paper and published on their website. Yet another News Limited publication… I felt beautiful and in some eyes I was. I bought a cheap dress on eBay and paid more to have my hair done than I spent on my dress and shoes combined!

This is me:

Curves and all. Trying to be healthy and not needing to be judged by others, let alone myself.

Remember a bit over 12 months ago… Yeah, I know, I was more prolific then. And wittier. And funnier. And… no wait, was I? Now I am confused. Anyway, I took part in the Bloggest Loser Challenge. And hey, I didn’t do too badly. Well I lost a few kilos.

Then this year my weight has steadily crept up. If I am being honest, if I had lost as much weight as I have found since January I would be a happy camper indeed and would have reached a few of my mini goals.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been going hard at it at the gym. 3-4 times a week I visit doing at least an hour of weights with MIML™ on a Tuesday, half an hour of weights/circuit on a Thursday, an hour of boxing with MIML™ on Friday and an hour and a half class of circuit/boxing on Saturday.

In Hong Kong I invested in a Polar Heart Rate Monitor and have been using this at the gym all the time. And it would tell you that most weeks I burn over 2000 calories.

And my body has changed. Even through the fat I can see muscles and I can definitely feel them! My stamina is increasing. And I enjoy the exercise.

But my eating is another story. I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday when I had a mental look back through what I had eaten- KFC, creamy laksa, Neenish Tarts, chocolate, chips, pie, cake and I could go on.

My anxiety levels on Saturday were so high that I was even scared to eat. I knew I wanted to eat (I was hungry) but didn’t know what to eat. Part of me wanted the comfort of the fat sliding down my throat, yet another part of me realised that the scales (and to a lesser extent my clothing) were saying that enough was enough.

Then I had another panic attack at the gym and couldn’t do the boxing class. I couldn’t face it. Part of it was extreme tiredness. Part of it was a sugar thing (I hadn’t eaten) and I just felt like crap. MIML™ came straight over after gym and we chatted. And he listened. And he didn’t judge. And he offered the most practical advice and helped me find solutions.

And we went and grabbed a smoked salmon and salad bagel and went out to have a steak for dinner (mine with baked spud!) and I even skipped dessert- well I did have a spoon and tried MIML™s Toblerone gelato!

And yesterday I made an omelette for breakfast with spinach and fetta in it. And I went to the market with MIML™ and didn’t have a samosa. Or any cake. Or a pork bun. Or anything else except for a coffee. And lunch and dinner were sensible choices. And last night I made up a large tub of bircher muesli and cut up a large bowl of fruit salad.

And this morning I got up earlier and had breakfast. And had a cup of tea. And didn’t rush. So I organised a massage for this evening which was the most sublime torture I have had in a long time! But a heap of the tension and tightness in my muscles has dissipated.

And I have looked at food as comfort. I actually started a blog post on the subject a few weeks ago and it is sitting in my drafts box. The kids had had a rough afternoon on the bus so I made a banana custard for dessert. And I never make dessert unless we have visitors. But they needed comfort. And I equated comfort with food and thus perpetuated this to another generation. Well kind of. Except I have discovered that I am doing this.

I helped out at a breastfeeding education class a few weeks back. One of the things we look at in the class is the role of dads in breastfeeding. A lot of women report they feel pressure to give their baby artificial food because it means that Dad can feed the baby. One of the messages was that we have to remember that comfort can be given in many more ways than with food.

And now I am rambling! But I am trying to get my eating back on track. I did not enjoy the way I felt on Saturday afternoon. I know that part of anxiety disorder means that panic attacks will happen and I will have anxious periods, but I need to also recognise that I can do my bit to help alleviate the frequency of these events. I can exercise and I can eat properly and I can practice CBT.

And I can take part in the latest Bloggest Loser challenge. I am not setting out to win the competition or to even weigh myself each week, but I am changing the way I eat and attempting to change my lifestyle.

OK! Been a while since I have posted a clip… But this is rather cool!

OK! Maybe I don’t have many, but…

Even though I have been told I can be quick with comebacks and responses, even I have times where I just want to run away and hide and have a little cry.

For lunch today I decided to stop at the major shopping centre and go into the food court. There I grabbed a multigrain sandwich with Moroccan Chicken, avocado and salad. As I was walking out the doors on my way to the car, with the said sandwich in my hand, a group of teenage boys started giggling and one pointed at me and said “Look at the arse on that one would you!” To which is mate replied “Shit, you couldn’t even fuck it could you, not even with a blindfold.”

These were boys talking about me. I was shocked. I was disgusted. I really just wanted to cry. I don’t know if it is because I have had a couple of ordinary weeks at Weight Watchers (I did mention I have joined again, didn’t I?) or becuase of hormones or what, but I couldn’t even bring myself to turn around to them and confront them.

I got in my car, turned on the air con and just felt immense sadness. There was anger, yes, but there was also pity for these stupid kids. I suspect at other times I would have confronted them and asked them to repeat it to my face. Or told them that at least I could diet, they would be ugly for ever. Or something.

But no, I didn’t. I let them get to me. I mean, these were kids. They have received the message that women are pieces of meat with bodies to be ogled at. Whether this is from home, or the ‘media’ or socieity or whatever. It is wrong.

For what it’s worth, I am currently a size 16-18. The average Australian woman is a size 14. I am at the gym 2-3 times per week. I am eating healthily. I don’t smoke and, contrary to popular belief, I don’t drink that much! I stay out of the sun as much as possible. I have regular pap smears and blood tests for cholesterol (which has always been low) and dieabetes. My resting heart rate is in the low 70s and I aim to get it below 60.

And I shouldn’t even feel the need to justify any of this. It is a myth that big is beautiful and in perpetuating this myth we are really saying that there are some people who might assume that big is not beautiful. Everyone has the ability to be beautiful, big or small. Big is big and body shape has little to do with beauty.

I would have thought that the way I act, or the things I say have more to do with my beauty than my fat arse.

Commenting on a woman’s appearance is so not beautiful and so uncool. So if you are a teenage boy who has stumbled here, try not to judge a book by its cover. There are thousands of platitudes about beauty, you know the skin deep, eye of the beholder type things. Beauty is what you make of what you have.

And to my kids- if I ever, ever hear you say something like what was said to me today to any other person, then there will be severe consequences!

I joined the gym over 6 months ago now. In that time my body shape has changed. According to my measurements I have lost quite a bit from my waist and thunder thighs and managed to gain an extra centimeter in my bust!

But my weight has stayed the same. Actually to be honest, since the week before Christmas I have managed to find 3.5kg. This morning I signed up again to Weight Watchers. I don’t want to focus on numbers or weights as such, but I know I want to be healthier. I need to set a good example to my kids and I really have found the most amazing man and want to be around to spend time with him.

I like being able to track online (even if the stoopid database hadn’t heard of a cross-trainer!) and have thrown a feeler into the online community boards. I am not on a diet, but am making a conscious decision to change my lifestyle. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

One of the things I love about online social networking is that it is so easy to join in and be part of a support network comprising people from all over the globe.

Leigh at Crazy Meezer has just launched another of her Bloggest Loser challenges. Earlier in the year I tried the 4,3,2,1 detox and also the tonsilectomy diet! The tonsilectomy diet was a huge success, but I never want to go through it again! And I haven’t eaten custard since, either!

Since I met MIML™, I have managed to find a few kilos. I want to get back on the bandwagon again and start heading back towards a healthier weight range. I want to be fitter and I want to be healthier. Initially I am still aiming for double figures and if I could achieve that in the next 12 weeks then I will be super happy. Not wanting to give actual numbers away, it is less than 1kg a week, but more than 500g!

How is Ms Fifikins going to do this? Well I am joining the gym that MIML™ goes to. I have worked out I can go 3-4 times/week for at least half an hour each time. I am also going to eat more fruit and avoid the snack machine at work. Oh and water… will get back to drinking at least 2litres/day.

Next week MIML™ and I will be in Canberra. I’ll have to make sure I get lots of exercise and try and lay off the greasy hot food. Plus it will be cold so I’ll use my metabolism wisely and try not to rug up too much…

At times, despite my bravado, I can be a pretty insecure person. I am actually pretty easily intimidated and have massive self doubts.

I actually have another anonymous or private blog. My friends know it is me, but, I hope, there is no identifying information there. Part of the reason is that my tumultuous private life over the last few years could incriminate certain people. There are many truths or versions thereof and whilst I know mine is right, others disagree!

Having an anonymous blog also lets me explore more private issues and hide in many ways from scrutiny. One of my biggest demons though is body image. I do think that until I can come out and confront the issues then hiding is not the answer.

I was looking at the search engine keywords that have directed people to this site and the predominant one is 4321 detox or derivatives thereof, which I previously posted about. Actually ‘weird valentines’ or similar comes pretty close too. The weirdest is ‘christian anyone valentine sms’ which really makes wonder if they found what they were looking for!

But the detox seems popular! I survived it. 10 days without gin, coffee or diet coke. 10 days without chocolate or lollies! Since then I have carried on my  healthier habits. In 4 weeks I am down 4.5kg. Yes my pants are loser, and colleagues have commented, but I don’t feel any different. I still see my extremely ugly tuck shop arms and my thunder thighs and my multiple chins. Do I feel healthier? Not necessarily. I am drinking less some of the time, I have only 1 coffee a day and the occasional diet coke.

4kg is a good start. I do wonder if I should throw away the scales altogether though. They are but numbers. It doesn’t matter how much I weigh, unless I am trying to calculate my BMI, which I should just leave to my GP and use his Viagra advertising scales (I do love his sense of humour!) and let him tell me how healthy I am. My blood pressure is fine and my cholesterol is very low.

When I was doing my final teaching prac a few years ago, I was assessed by one of my favourite lecturers. She is a pedagogy expert and absolutely into reflection! We spent a semester in third year writing reflections and I did quite well! Then she saw me teach and her comment was ‘OMG Fi, I have never seen anyone reflect so much during a lesson, chill a little!’ So I suppose that is the aim! I need to chill a little and not focus on reflecting all the time!

God I hope I don’t sound too neurotic here! Normal programming will resume momentarily

I think I have fallen for a fad.

I have always seemed to fall outside the healthy weight guidelines, except for a period when I was about 15-17 when I was a gorgeous size 10-12.

Then life intervened. Deaths, marriage, infertility, mental illness… I have had my fair share of downs. And during this I have tended to eat.

18 months ago I again set my mind to shedding some kilos. And I have. In that time I have lost over 23kg. But for the last 8 months it has been at a standstill. At least I haven’t found it again!

So when a colleague said she was going to do the 4.3.2.1 Slim and Detox™ “a new way to help slim, cleanse, purify and tone your body in just 10 days” I said I’d go along with it. Originally she said no steak, but all it says is a calorie controlled diet. So I am going the no caffeine and no alcohol for 10 days and eating as unprocessed food as possible. Whilst I usually eat fairly healthy for meals, snacks can be another thing. Then there is caffeine… I usually have at least 1-2 coffees and 3 cans of diet coke a day. I have been known to have alcohol free days, but recently I have not been known to string too many of these together.

Today hasn’t been too bad. I did want a coffee this morning and another this afternoon, but drank the detox solution instead. And it doesn’t taste too bad. Food has been fine, but then again no real challenges today. I am baking a cake tomorrow for the boss’s birthday on Tuesday. That should be interesting. Had to hide the gin bottle in the bottom of the freezer…

I suppose if I can kickstart things in the next 10 days (I doubt I will lose the 28kg needed to put me in the healthy weight range in this period!) then I can carry on with perhaps a coffee and a can of diet coke a day and a gin or a glass of wine at night. I am doing what a friend does and throwing all coins into a jar at the end of the day. He ended up with a few thousand dollars over the course of a year. Doubt I will be that lucky! But it may get me to Melbourne again…