There has been a fair bit of talk in the press over the last few days about the rise of atheism. It took me a long time to realise that I am an atheist. I suppose I should start at the beginning…

I grew up in an church-going Anglican household. By church-going, I mean every Sunday at least, including when we were on holidays. My parents were heavily involved in the church and weekends were spent at church working bees, or baking for a mission cake stall, of servers practice or church youth group etc.

Our circle of friends consisted mainly of church people. We socialised with church people. We went on holidays with church people. Yes, there were others, but the ties were not as strong. Or that’s how it seemed to me.

Throughout my teenage years I was involved in the church. I was indoctrinated with the high church anglicanism of my parents. This was church done properly- doing church was almost more important than being church. Conservative music and liturgical views were held.

Then I went to college and had a choral scholarship to the choir. I also sang in a choir at one of these high anglican bastions of the proper way to do things churches. The music was beautiful. Again, I helped out with working bees. Again, I was involved. I also met a theological student at this time and we were married after going out for 16 months or so. It was a huge affair- the talk of the college. A grand romance that had everyone talking. I was 19 when we became engaged, 20 when we married. The thought of being the vicar’s wife was exciting. I had grown up in a church community and I was going to carry on in one.

We moved to country South Australia. To a parish quite the opposite of what my experience had been. The music was interesting. The liturgy made me cringe and I hated every moment of it. On top of that my husband was a curate and the priest in charge didn’t want a curate, let alone his wife.

After 18 months we moved to another place where my husband was in charge. Well sort of. He took over from a bloke who had just been convicted of indecently assaulting the grandson of one of the prominent parishioners. Except no one was meant to know. But it was ok, because the priest before him was an alcoholic who no one liked. Here I settled into life as a vicar’s wife. I helped with cake stalls, I produced pew sheets and orders of service. I supported my husband like a dutiful wife.

And things fell apart. We moved to Adelaide where my husband had no job and was told he wouldn’t be given a job because of his conservative views. Here we joined a parish that at first I was very sceptical of. Again, it was not the liturgy or music I was used to. But here I found a community that appeared to be more cohesive and actually seemed to focus on the god thing a bit.

Then my close friend died. She had taught me so much in the church. She had shown me feminist theology and ideology. It made sense. It put me at odds with my husband.We had been pregnant at the same time. Her daughter was one month older than my son who had just celebrated his first birthday. I dwelt on fairness for a while, or the lack thereof. I heard people talk about her being with god and being in a better place. It was god’s doing. In god’s plan.

Finally a move up here where again I was the vicar’s wife. It was a disaster. Probably more about power than faith. Then he got sick and things really fell apart. When we left the parish I stopped going to church. These people had hurt me and my family and really seemed to be at odds with the christian message of love. I won’t even start to address the hierarchy that was more about power and authority than spreading any sort of news be it good or not!

After my marriage ended I started thinking about faith. Yes, in the past I had read my bible and ‘prayed’ whatever prayer may be. I knew the lord’s prayer, the apostles creed and the 10 commandments. I thought I had followed the teachings of the church until I realised there really were none- it was every person for themselves. Some people knew that women shouldn’t be ordained, yet there were ordained women! I was told homosexuality was a sin and I needed to love the sinner, hate the sin. Or something like that. It all seemed totally fucked up.

I realised that I didn’t really have faith. It didn’t make sense. Just like Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny. It was too convenient having a religion or a creed based on a figure who supposedly was born of a virgin, died and came back to life, yet wasn’t a zombie! I think it’s easier to believe in rabbits delivering chocolate goodies and fairies taking teeth to make houses than that which christianity spreads as gospel. It just doesn’t make sense and I know that’s where the faith bit is meant to come in- but faith? I could have faith that I would create world peace or end poverty but that is not faith. Faith is based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Whatever. Some of my best friends have faith. Some are still heavily involved in the church.

For me, I need to live my life respecting others and having them treat me the way I want to be treated. I don’t go around proselytising my atheism. Nothing pisses me off more than people trying to portray themselves holier than thou with their faith, yet in practice they don’t espouse these values. I am all for the values religions seem to teach, however there is such a chasm of teaching and living or doing. I appreciate art and music inspired by religion. But I know there is no god. I have no anger to my past. It is just that, the past. The scales have lifted from my eyes!

Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell you brother
You cant have one without the other.

Well perhaps half wrong. See I do believe you can have love without marriage.

It’s something I have been reflecting on a lot lately. Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-marriage… some of my best friends are married!

Now I have reflected on love before, and I am not going back there today, however marriage is a different story.

I was married for a very long time. Officially from 1992 until 2007, with the divorce coming through last January. The reality was though it was a marriage with a warped view of love.

Marriage was something that was expected. And I had romantic ideas. And religious ones too. But times change and people change too.

I have been to a number of beautiful weddings. The bride and groom have looked gorgeous. The flowers have been stunning. Beautiful music with an awesome party afterwards. Guests dressed up. Champagne corks popped and presents given.

But a wedding does not make a marriage. Japs keeps telling me I have to get married because he wants to ride in a limo! I have told him that he can ride in a limo without me getting married, but he has the association of groovy cars and weddings.

A relationship is a commitment and not one that you make on one day wearing a gorgeous dress with flowers and a party and friends and family surrounding you. It is a commitment you make to each other every day of your life.

The concept of marriage is both legal and religious. I don’t have any religious reasons to believe in marriage and I would like to think I can look after myself. I am getting back on my feet financially.

I adore having a gorgeous man in my life and we are an awesome team. We have commitment and friendship and we care deeply for each other. There is space in our togetherness. And it is great.

What I find now as a born-again agnostic, or person with christian-ish values is that society has taken on saints like Valentine and Patrick and run with it. Apparently the Catholic church dropped them many years ago. But these saints continue to be the popular ones in society today. Is this the church being even more distant from sociey or society using old Christian traditions to make money?

At work I walk past the stupid teddy bears clutching hearts, or devils saying ‘Be Mine,’ or chocolates in heart shaped containers, or the most revolting velvet flowers that are meant to smell like roses and think pass the bucket. Then there are the cards. These come in around 3 categories. The first is the soppy ones that have pretty pictures on the, or sometimes just lots of hearts, that say how wonderful the other person is. Some of these are even in the traditional anonymous ‘Be Mine’ style. The second is the comedic one that basically revolves around sex. The third is the bizarre category- ones for or from pets, ones for ex-es (what the!) or even those that try to be funny and soppy at the same time.

Florists are also full of red (do red roses sell or simply die faster?), the local balloon shop is covered in helium love and even the local Auto Barn has something about getting the right thing for the one you love. Yep, a spanner and a few liters of oil should win the say to any girl’s heart.

Last year I was in the middle of a marriage break-up, but even before that he never got into Valentine’s Day. Don’t think I ever got flowers or a card from him. I do remember a memorable dinner at Stephano de Pieri’s restaurant in Mildura one Valentine’s, but that was more fluke than planning.

In High School we used to buy The Herald Sun on the way to school and all flock around the classifieds trying to work out if any of the messages were aimed at us. I remember seeing one to a Fiona from a Greg and thinking it must have been from the boy I liked at the time, until it mentioned the bit about the baby due soon and we soon realised it wasn’t me. Debbie got one though- hers had her surname. And she didn’t even like the guy! One year we almost put one in for the music teacher we all had a crush on, but someone refused to fork out their share and we didn’t have enough money.

Ah money! Valentine… Is there a connection? Well duh! But perhaps for some it is more than that. I never believed in Mother’s Day until I was a mother. Perhaps I will never believe in Valentine’s until I am in a ‘relationship’ but even then I don’t know if I could get doe eyed about it all.

Today at lunch one of the ladies was saying how her husband of some 35+ years always buys her lovely chocolates on Valentine’s Day. How sweet was the general consensus around the table. I mentioned I knew I was going to get a card. Of course they asked (and assumed and it was very interesting to hear their assumptions too!) and I told them that one of my best friends at school and I have been trading valentines almost every year since year 6- 1984. Makes me feel very old actually!

I had thought before lunch today that Valentine’s might just be for young ones. Those sending SMS messages instead of looking at The Herald Sun classifieds. Last year at work a number of young girls had roses delivered to them at work. But then again another older colleague had a massive bouquet delivered too. Is it just a day for the girls though? Am I ‘meh’ about the day because a lot of the gifts are aimed at women? I got my ex a number of Valentine’s gifts- red satin boxers he never wore, books he hid on the shelf (perhaps giving a vicar a how to sex guide was a bit out there…)

Commercial smercial! I don’t know if I am feeling this way because of a conditioned pattern around the day (never being the one showered with gifts) or because of my current situation, or if this is one and the same. Of course if you would like to test the theory, cards and presents (did someone say Bombay Sapphire?) can be sent to PO Box 809, Ealrville, Q 4870 and flowers delivered to Myer, Cairns Central might be able to convince me otherwise…