Ms Fifikins

August

Originally uploaded by fifikins

Yes! 8 months down. 242 photos this far. And I am still enjoying it- well it is not a chore at least! August has been a great month— mini-trip to Melbourne, fun times with the kids and lots of smiles all round! Win!

Remember a bit over 12 months ago… Yeah, I know, I was more prolific then. And wittier. And funnier. And… no wait, was I? Now I am confused. Anyway, I took part in the Bloggest Loser Challenge. And hey, I didn’t do too badly. Well I lost a few kilos.

Then this year my weight has steadily crept up. If I am being honest, if I had lost as much weight as I have found since January I would be a happy camper indeed and would have reached a few of my mini goals.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been going hard at it at the gym. 3-4 times a week I visit doing at least an hour of weights with MIML™ on a Tuesday, half an hour of weights/circuit on a Thursday, an hour of boxing with MIML™ on Friday and an hour and a half class of circuit/boxing on Saturday.

In Hong Kong I invested in a Polar Heart Rate Monitor and have been using this at the gym all the time. And it would tell you that most weeks I burn over 2000 calories.

And my body has changed. Even through the fat I can see muscles and I can definitely feel them! My stamina is increasing. And I enjoy the exercise.

But my eating is another story. I had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday when I had a mental look back through what I had eaten- KFC, creamy laksa, Neenish Tarts, chocolate, chips, pie, cake and I could go on.

My anxiety levels on Saturday were so high that I was even scared to eat. I knew I wanted to eat (I was hungry) but didn’t know what to eat. Part of me wanted the comfort of the fat sliding down my throat, yet another part of me realised that the scales (and to a lesser extent my clothing) were saying that enough was enough.

Then I had another panic attack at the gym and couldn’t do the boxing class. I couldn’t face it. Part of it was extreme tiredness. Part of it was a sugar thing (I hadn’t eaten) and I just felt like crap. MIML™ came straight over after gym and we chatted. And he listened. And he didn’t judge. And he offered the most practical advice and helped me find solutions.

And we went and grabbed a smoked salmon and salad bagel and went out to have a steak for dinner (mine with baked spud!) and I even skipped dessert- well I did have a spoon and tried MIML™s Toblerone gelato!

And yesterday I made an omelette for breakfast with spinach and fetta in it. And I went to the market with MIML™ and didn’t have a samosa. Or any cake. Or a pork bun. Or anything else except for a coffee. And lunch and dinner were sensible choices. And last night I made up a large tub of bircher muesli and cut up a large bowl of fruit salad.

And this morning I got up earlier and had breakfast. And had a cup of tea. And didn’t rush. So I organised a massage for this evening which was the most sublime torture I have had in a long time! But a heap of the tension and tightness in my muscles has dissipated.

And I have looked at food as comfort. I actually started a blog post on the subject a few weeks ago and it is sitting in my drafts box. The kids had had a rough afternoon on the bus so I made a banana custard for dessert. And I never make dessert unless we have visitors. But they needed comfort. And I equated comfort with food and thus perpetuated this to another generation. Well kind of. Except I have discovered that I am doing this.

I helped out at a breastfeeding education class a few weeks back. One of the things we look at in the class is the role of dads in breastfeeding. A lot of women report they feel pressure to give their baby artificial food because it means that Dad can feed the baby. One of the messages was that we have to remember that comfort can be given in many more ways than with food.

And now I am rambling! But I am trying to get my eating back on track. I did not enjoy the way I felt on Saturday afternoon. I know that part of anxiety disorder means that panic attacks will happen and I will have anxious periods, but I need to also recognise that I can do my bit to help alleviate the frequency of these events. I can exercise and I can eat properly and I can practice CBT.

And I can take part in the latest Bloggest Loser challenge. I am not setting out to win the competition or to even weigh myself each week, but I am changing the way I eat and attempting to change my lifestyle.

There was once a tree in the front yard. I didn’t take a picture today, but here is one the afternoon of Cyclone Larry a few years back:

Note it’s not the spindly palm things in the front, but that lump of palms behind.

Now originally, this was not a palm tree. It was something else. And then the palms around it dropped their seeds and 7 trees grew around the original and killed the original. And these 7 had bits of dead stuff hanging off them, and some dead branches, and dropped fronds and were growing across the steps to the front door. I would trim them and then they would grow again and were taking over a vast proportion of the front yard.

So MIML™ and I decided to do some chopping. We trimmed the thinner fronds and then got to it with the axe.

You can see the sunlight hitting the lower fronds that hadn’t been attacked yet- yes, sunlight little fronds!

Cathartic plus! Draw your own metaphor, but cutting dead wood, making light, getting rid of parasites, swinging the axe, yeah, I’m sure you get the picture.

Next step is the chainsaw to cut it to the ground. Oh and I need to organise a rather large skip to take it all away!

Isn’t this just the coolest! Baa!

Tired is an understatement of late. Once upon a time I would average 56 hours sleep a week. For a while now it has been less than 42 hours. This sounds a little better than 6 hours a night!

I haven’t done a Lady Macbeth or anything and done anything awful to feel guilty about, but there is a bit of stressful stuff happening at the moment.

I found it funny (sort of!) on Facebook to see people jump to all sorts of conclusions from a status update (it was about remembering that even along the darkest paths one finds the most beautiful flowers) and then my reaction to it has possibly prompted more conclusions to be drawn!

But now I have decided to try and focus on the good things that are happening, because when I look at it, there are lots of positive things happening to me and those around me.

• The gorgeous MIML™ passed his exam! This is a huge step to him gaining residency and further on citizenship. There is a Part B exam which he will need to sit in the next 12-18 months, but the Part A exam has been passed! Phew!
• MIML™ and I went to Melbourne for a few days. It was lovely catching up with friends and family and showing MIML™ where I grew up. Must say however that staying at the Victoria Hotel was an experience that allowed us to use real estate-esque descriptions- quaint and cozy with some original fixtures in a prime location!
• Immy got on the ‘Honour List’ for Semester 1 at school with her academic results. This is the top 5 kids in the class or something. She has lots of smarts- not sure where she gets them from!
• Japs had some assessments done and he is doing great guns too! No problems with him! He is writing a novel- JK Rowling look out!
• Been doing some work in the garden and it is starting to look not that bad! Have some big plans too!
• The guppies and snails continue to breed! It is amazing how relaxing it is just gazing at them in their tank!
• The rats are getting a little friendlier! Daisy allows us to hold her now and Muffin even comes out when we are around. Small steps!
• Work is awesome and I love it! Immy was sick last week and they keep reinforcing that looking after my family was my major priority last week.
• Plans for our South Africa trip are coming on. Even if the kids passports don’t come through however by December, there is always next year to visit. And the year after, and the year after that.

So now I need to find a way of focussing on these positives and acknowledging there is this crappy stuff too that needs to be dealt with I don’t need to let it take over my life. Or at least my nights.