I have had a lot of rejection in my life. So much that at times I think I tend to reject myself.
MIML™ and I caught up after the gym this morning and had a cuppa and then he came back here for some scrambled eggs and smoked salmon. And talked about space. Not Mars and Venus and stuff, but more ways each of us can grow as individuals. And you know part of me is all this is cool, it’s not rejection and he still cares for me, and the other part is OMG I am such a failure and stupid and of course he doesn’t want to spend time with me.
Which is wrong! We have so many awesome times together, but realising that we also need to do our own things at times is tough. I have never been encouraged to do things for myself or be selfish or assertive and whenever I have done I have been told that I am so selfish and self-centred. But MIML™ is telling me that this is good and I need to do it. And I believe him. Deep down I do, even if superficially I have a voice in my head saying ‘of course he doesn’t want to spend time with you.’
But what to do in my spare time. I am not used to ‘me time.’ I don’t know how to do it. MIML™ showed me this pretty cool site. And I downloaded this. And now I am working out what I can do for me. So that I can try and put me first.
Some of the ideas most definitely aren’t me! Some of them would stretch the budget too much and some of them MIMl™ and I can do together at some stage. Alone time doesn’t have to equal loneliness.
And it’s not rejection! And I know that. But I just have to convince myself!
March 7th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
It’s a timeless dilemma. One of the things I miss about being single and living alone is having that space and ‘on my own’ time to do my thing and not be answerable to somebody else. At the same time, too much of it can feel like a void. Perhaps MIML is just trying to create some balance.
You’re a smart cookie, I’m sure you’ll come up with a hobby or a plan. Join a book club maybe? Volunteering is always rewarding.
March 20th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
While I bitch and moan sometimes about not having a Somebody I also love the space and time for myself that being single affords me. I can be totally selfish with my plans and in a few ways get to know myself better according to where I am now and what I’ve learnt from the most recent relationship. Essentially ‘become more myself’ again.
Consider it empowering that MIYL is encouraging this type of growth while he’s still around to welcome and adore the new you as you grow into yourself and continually improve your greatness.
Something that I’ve found by remaining friends with many of my past lovers is that once I’ve rediscovered and tweaked myself they find themselves attracted to me again which can lead into all sorts of trouble if it’s allowed.
Alison’s last blog post..What’s the bet this one works