At times, despite my bravado, I can be a pretty insecure person. I am actually pretty easily intimidated and have massive self doubts.

I actually have another anonymous or private blog. My friends know it is me, but, I hope, there is no identifying information there. Part of the reason is that my tumultuous private life over the last few years could incriminate certain people. There are many truths or versions thereof and whilst I know mine is right, others disagree!

Having an anonymous blog also lets me explore more private issues and hide in many ways from scrutiny. One of my biggest demons though is body image. I do think that until I can come out and confront the issues then hiding is not the answer.

I was looking at the search engine keywords that have directed people to this site and the predominant one is 4321 detox or derivatives thereof, which I previously posted about. Actually ‘weird valentines’ or similar comes pretty close too. The weirdest is ‘christian anyone valentine sms’ which really makes wonder if they found what they were looking for!

But the detox seems popular! I survived it. 10 days without gin, coffee or diet coke. 10 days without chocolate or lollies! Since then I have carried on my  healthier habits. In 4 weeks I am down 4.5kg. Yes my pants are loser, and colleagues have commented, but I don’t feel any different. I still see my extremely ugly tuck shop arms and my thunder thighs and my multiple chins. Do I feel healthier? Not necessarily. I am drinking less some of the time, I have only 1 coffee a day and the occasional diet coke.

4kg is a good start. I do wonder if I should throw away the scales altogether though. They are but numbers. It doesn’t matter how much I weigh, unless I am trying to calculate my BMI, which I should just leave to my GP and use his Viagra advertising scales (I do love his sense of humour!) and let him tell me how healthy I am. My blood pressure is fine and my cholesterol is very low.

When I was doing my final teaching prac a few years ago, I was assessed by one of my favourite lecturers. She is a pedagogy expert and absolutely into reflection! We spent a semester in third year writing reflections and I did quite well! Then she saw me teach and her comment was ‘OMG Fi, I have never seen anyone reflect so much during a lesson, chill a little!’ So I suppose that is the aim! I need to chill a little and not focus on reflecting all the time!

God I hope I don’t sound too neurotic here! Normal programming will resume momentarily

Tags: 4321 detox, body image, body issues, personal reflection, reflection, weight

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 am and is filed under personal reflection, weight. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.